Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
