Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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