chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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