It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
