We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
