I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
