theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
