but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
