Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
