youre lurking in front of me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
