I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
