If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
