I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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