found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
