Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
