YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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