So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
