I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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