i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm both gender and math confused
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
