I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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