Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
