At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
