No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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