Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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