I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
