hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Redeem this text for a blowjob
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
not ubering you a puppy
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
