with your own penis?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
