I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
