Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
