kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
