I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
