so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
