i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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