im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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