one two three fourrrrnication!
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
