just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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