I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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