I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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