I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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