Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
