before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
