i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
