Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
