Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
