i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
