i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
