PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
