For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
