god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
