He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
