u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
