i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
