I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
