I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
