i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
