Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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