He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
