I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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